Shakespeare's house

Sidney: Well, Ethel, here we are in
Shakespeare's front room. This
must be where he wrote all his
famous tragedies.
Ethel: I'm not surprised, with furniture like
this.
Sidney: What do you mean?
Ethel: Well, look at that armchair. He can't
have been comfortable, sitting
there.
Sidney: Don't be silly! He probably sat at
this table when he was writing
tragedies.
Ethel: Oh. yes...Look!
(She shows Sidney a typewriter.)
Ethel: This must be Shakespeare's typewriter.
Sidney: Shakespeare's typewriter?
Ethel: Yes. He must have written all his
plays on this.
Sidney: Ethel! That can't be Shakespeare's
typewriter.
Ethel: Why not?
Sidney: Because Shakespeare didn't use a
typewriter.
Ethel: Didn't he?
Sidney: No, of course he didn't. He was a
very busy man. He didn't have time
to sit in front of a typewriter all day.
He probably used a tape-recorder.
Ethel: A tape-recorder?
Sidney: Yes. I can see him now. He must
have sat on this chair, holding his
microphone in his hand saying: 'To
be, or not to be.'
Ethel: What does that mean?
Sidney: Ah well, that is the question.
Ethel: Sidney, look!
Sidney: What?
Ethel: Over here. This must be
Shakespeare's television.
Sidney: Shakespeare's television?
Ethel: Yes. It must be. It looks quite old.
Sidney: Shakespeare didn't have a television.
Ethel: Why not?
SKETCHES 129
Sidney: Why not? Because he went to the
theatre every night. He didn't have
time to sit at home, watching television.
Ethel: Oh.
(They hear someone snoring.)
Ethel: Sidney, what's that? I can hear
something. Oh, look!
Sidney: Where?
Ethel: Over there. There's a man over
there, behind the newspaper, I think
he's asleep.
Sidney: Oh, yes. He must be one of
Shakespeare's family. He's probably
Shakespeare's grandson.
Ethel: Ooh!
Sidney: I'll just go and say 'Hello'.
(He goes over to the man and
shouts.)
Sidney: Hello!
Man: What? Eh? What's going on?
Sidney: Good morning.
Man: Good mor- Who are you?
Ethel: We're tourists.
Man: Tourists?
Sidney: Yes.
Ethel: It must be very interesting, living
here.
Man: Interesting? Living here? What are
you talking about?
Sidney: Well, it must be interesting, living in
a famous house like this.
Man: Famous house?
Ethel: Yes, there must be hundreds of people
who want to visit Shakespeare's
house.
Man: Shakespeare's house? Look, there
must be some mistake.
Sidney: This is Shakespeare's house, isn't it?
Man: This is Number 34, Railway
Avenue...and I live here!
Ethel: Yes. You must be Shakespeare's
grandson.
Man: Shakespeare's grandson?
Ethel: Yes.
Sidney: Ethel! Look at this!
Ethel: What is it?
Sidney: Look at it!
(He is holding an ashtray.)
Ethel: Ooh, Shakespeare's ashtray!
Sidney: Yes, William Shakespeare's ashtray!
Mr. Shakespeare, I would like to buy
this ashtray as a souvenir of our visit
to your grandfather's house.
Man: For the last time, my name is not -
Sidney: I'll give you ten pounds for it.
Man: Now listen...Ten pounds?
Sidney: All right then - twenty pounds.
Man: Twenty pounds for that ashtray?
Ethel: Well, it was William Shakespeare's
ashtray, wasn't it?
Man: William Shakespeare's...Oh, yes, of
course. William Shakespeare's ashtray.
(Sidney gives the man twenty
pounds.)
Sidney: Here you are. You're sure twenty
pounds is enough...
Man: Well...
Sidney: All right then. Twenty-five pounds.
(He gives the man another five
pounds.)
Man: Thank you. And here's the ashtray.
(The man gives Sidney the ashtray.)
Sidney: Thank you very much.
Ethel: I hope we haven't disturbed you too
much.
Man: Oh, not at all. I always enjoy meeting
people who know such a lot
about Shakespeare. Goodbye.
Ethel: Goodbye.
(Ethel and Sidney leave.)

From Sketches Tape Script